She’s Just Getting Ready for the Next Chapter
There’s this strange in-between place I’ve been living in lately where so many things are taking place all at once but also like this is the calm before the storm…? I’m somewhere between feeling ready for another baby and still holding tightly to the little world I have with the one I’ve got. It’s wild how your heart can stretch at the idea of giving your baby a sibling, but also feeling like my heart might break at the thought of sharing my attention. How could I love another as much as I love him? How can I make time for more than one baby? Will he feel like I don’t love him anymore? What if they hate each other? But then growing up as an only child (with a half brother and two step sisters that were far older than me), I want nothing more than to give my kids siblings that they can have by their side no matter what. The quiet tug telling me that my heart has room for more.
And on top of that, I’ve decided to go back to work. So now, there's this whole other layer of wondering what life is going to look like trying to grow our family while also stepping back into work. I don’t know what the timing will be, or how the transition will actually feel when it happens. Part of me imagines the chaos, the juggle, the exhaustion, and know that in a weird way, I thrive in that. Another part of me imagines a full house and slow mornings with all my babies together. It’s strange to plan for something so big while also jumping into a new routine I haven’t lived yet.
Honestly, part of me thought I’d be a stay-at-home-mom a lot longer than this. I imagined slow mornings, playdates, and building a routine around my kids lives, and I have truly loved this season - I really have. But somewhere along the way I’ve realized that I’m still me and I want to keep that sense of me. As guilty as I feel for saying it, I need a life outside of being a mom and a wife. It’s just engrained in me to work. I also want to contribute financially so my kids can have the fullest future possible. Admitting it feels selfish, but also true.
Still, going back to work after being home for the last six months or so, hasn’t been an easy decision. It’s exciting, yes, but it also aches in a way I didn’t expect. I have so much anxiety about leaving my kid in the hands of others. There is a sadness in closing this chapter of being home with him everyday - even though this next chapter is good. It’s a weird mix of pride, guilt, hope and heartbreak all at once.
I guess I'm learning that this phase of life is full of “boths”.
I can be scared but still excited. I can want another baby and still worry about how I can love two babies at once. I can love being a SAHM and still crave a part of myself that I had before motherhood. I can be sad to leave this chapter and know I’m still walking toward a brighter future for my family.
Maybe “both” is exactly where I’m supposed to be right now - growing, changing and trusting that I can do it all and my heart is big enough for the chaos ahead.
XX Shelbi
