She’s Just Living In the In-Between
There are seasons in life that don’t make sense until you’re in the middle of them - where joy and grief somehow end up holding hands. I’m in one of those seasons now and decided to share this part of my story, just in case you are too.
On one hand, I'm living what feels like that happiest chapter of my life - raising my baby, building a home with my best friend and finding purpose in this little online community that has truly become so therapeutic for me. I wake up everyday so thankful for this life that I literally prayed so hard for.
But underneath all the joy, there’s a quiet ache that I can’t ignore. My mom was diagnosed with dementia last year and it has truly been the hardest thing I’ve ever walked through.
There is a weird shift in life that happens when the people who spent everyday worrying about me (understandably so) quietly become the people that I now spend everyday worrying about. It’s a kind of heartbreak that doesn’t announce itself - it just settles quietly into your everyday life. It’s there when I'm changing diapers, laughing at my husband’s jokes, or scrolling old photos on my phone - when life feels both full and fragile at the same time… it’s there. Sitting quietly in the back of the room.
What’s even harder is knowing that I’m not the only one with grief following me. Seeing my family learn how to navigate such an unexpected time, has been tough. We’re all processing the same unfamiliar pain, some through humor, some stay quiet and don’t talk about it and then there’s the strong and mighty ones, like my dad, who hold it together and stay strong for all of us. I find myself somewhere in the middle, trying to give the sadness the space it needs but also trying not to let it steal the joy.
Most days, I feel like I'm living in two worlds at once. In one, I'm soaking up all the sweet, chaotic, ordinary moments of building a family. The messy house, the laughter (sometimes whining) that fills the kitchen in the evenings, the dirty diapers, all of it. In the other world, I'm learning how to let go of the things I can’t control and how to keep my heart soft when I know it would be easier to go numb. It’s a wild balancing act. I know that there are so many ways that I could be better, better for my mom, my family or myself but I’ve truly never experienced anything like this before and I’m still learning.
There is so much learning that you forget happens in a season like this but for me, I've learned that heartache doesn’t always look like crying - sometimes it’s just a heaviness that you carry, even on the good days. And joy doesn’t always mean happiness - sometimes it’s just choosing to keep showing up and finding the light. This season has taught me that grief and joy can share the same space.
If you’re in a similar season, learning to walk through each day with grief in one hand and happiness in the other, I just want you to know that you’re not alone and God will meet you where you’re at. As confusing as it is, there IS beauty in the in-between. And maybe that’s where the truest kind of love lives.
XX Shelbi
